Tips for Building a Neurodiverse-Friendly Relationship
While all romantic relationships require careful, thoughtful interactions, when one (or multiple) members of the relationship are impacted by some form of neurodiversity, interactions can get complicated. One major source of this complication can be conflicting understandings of how romantic relationships should be structured and what expectations exist for the members of those relationships. It is not uncommon for relationships to be built upon an assumption of neurotypicality which suggests that only certain behaviors are acceptable and others are not. An unexamined assumption of neurotypicality may, for example, propose that a partner’s physical, financial, or emotional support needs are unreasonable if they exceed what is considered “normal”. Instead of relying on a vague or limiting relationship template, here are some tips for building a relationship that is flexible, accommodates different levels of needs, and is focused on shared enjoyment and fulfillment.
Make Everything “Talk-about-able”
Because we all come to relationships with different needs, values, desires, and expectations, the first step to building a neurodiverse-friendly relationship is acknowledging these differences by talking about them. Whether you are starting a new relationship, looking to strengthen your current relationship, or exploring making some changes to how your relationship is negotiated, being able to clearly state what you want in your relationship is vitally important. To help clarify what you like or what you might want within a relationship, you can start by asking yourself some basic questions. Here are some examples of things you could ask yourself:
What things do you like to do with your partner/partners?
Do you like lots of alone time or do you prefer spending time together with your partner/partners?
How do you like to relax?
Would you prefer to manage finances all together or individually?
Where do you want to spend the holidays or vacations?
As you start to explore your own answers to these questions, you will undoubtedly come up with other questions as well. Taking your answers to your partner/partners can create an opportunity for a deeper discussion about what things are important for all members of the relationship. Trying to keep the focus on how to maximize everyone getting as much of what they want as possible can keep the conversations lively and exciting. Don’t forget to be curious about your partner’s answers and creative about how the relationship can better fit what all of you are looking for.
Avoid the Accidental Parent-Child Trap
As a Sex and Relationship therapist, I see certain patterns of interactions within relationships pop up more frequently in my office than others. One of the most common patterns of interactions in neurodiverse relationships that seems to interfere with authentic communication and flexible problem solving is what I call the Parent-Child trap. This interaction sees one partner (often a partner who is neurotypical or with less severe or less obvious support needs) taking on the role of the “parent” in the relationship while the other partner/partners take on the role of the “child”. The “parent” partner often takes the lead on organizing the household or the relationship, completing tasks, and often performs most of the emotional labor within the relationship. The “child” partner/partners often expresses a desire to be helpful, but struggles with follow through and can seem unaware of how much work their partner/partners are doing.
This pattern of interaction generally results in the partner who is in the role of the parent feeling resentful or like they are being treated unfairly and the partner/partners who are in the role of the child feeling guilty or incompetent. One way to avoid this trap is to make an agreement within the relationship that tasks and responsibilities will be negotiated honestly and collaboratively. Just because different partners have different strengths or support needs does not mean that one particular partner should have to complete certain tasks or a certain percentage of the tasks. Feelings of resentment or inequality can be good indicators that new negotiations need to happen so that a more equitable solution can be found. Again, be sure to lead with curiosity about your partner/partners experiences as well as practicing being open to more creative possible solutions.
Foster an Empowerment Mindset
Folks with support needs that are outside of what is considered “normal” or “appropriate” often have past experiences of people in their lives treating them as a burden or with disrespect. These experiences can lead to a belief that because someone is able to be more comfortable or more successful with accommodations, they are somehow weaker or less valuable than those who do not need or benefit from those accommodations. Being aware of the high likelihood of this belief and replacing it with one that is more accurate and useful should be at the core of a neurodiverse-friendly relationship.
Instead of continuing to perpetuate beliefs of weakness, a neurodiverse-friendly relationship should take intentional steps to foster a belief in all partner’s ability to make their life more comfortable through direct self-advocacy. All partners should be encouraged to ask for what they want and need and should have their request be taken seriously and discussed. Instead of being seen as an inconvenience, this level of communication and commitment to self-respect offers the opportunity for a firm foundation of clear boundaries and emotional care to be established early in the relationship. Self-advocacy is an act of courage. Need some extra convincing? Check out Dr. Devon Price’s writings and books (including “Laziness Does Not Exist” and “Unmasking Autism”)
Reaching out for help
Navigating romantic relationships can be challenging. When trying to create relationships that work well for all of the members within it, careful communication is vitally important. Sometimes, trying to shift relational structures brings up unresolved issues from the past or result in high levels of conflict. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, communications can stall out or feel unproductive. Being able to have expert support during this process can help make it more effective and efficient. If that support is something you want, reach out to one of our Neurodiversity informed relationship therapists today!
References
McDowell, C.N., Bryant, M.E. & Parker, M.L. (2023). Decoding Neurodiverse Couples Therapy: A Solution-Focused Approach. Sexuality and Disability 41, 255–273. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11195-022-09765-9
Mitran, C. L. (2022). A New Framework for Examining Impact of Neurodiversity in Couples in Intimate Relationships. The Family Journal, 30(3), 437–443. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807211063194
Smith, R., Netto, J., Gribble, N.C., Falkmer, M. (2021). ‘At the End of the Day, It’s Love’: An Exploration of Relationships in Neurodiverse Couples. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 51, 3311–3321. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04790-z
Wilson, B. M., Main, S., O’Rourke, J., & Slater, E. (2023). Needing More, Needing less: Unravelling why a Prompt Dependency Cycle Forms in Neurodiverse Relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231161308