Holiday Survival Guide 2025: The Science of Stress and Practical Tips to Manage It
The holiday season can be a mixed bag. For some, it is filled with restful and connective experiences with themselves and the people they care about. For many, it is a final boss gauntlet filled with new and unexpectedly painful moments in blindly rapidly succession. I put together this holiday survival guide to offer actionable strategies to help equip those of you gearing up for the boss fights. You may take a few hits, but with the right preparation, you just might be able to make it through.
Let your nervous system be your guide
Our nervous system – the collection of nerve cells that communicates information between your brain and the rest of your body – primarily functions as our threat detection system. Much of our brain’s activity is focused on scanning our environment for potential signs of danger. This can be more obvious signs of danger (like seeing a tiger running towards us or the sight of blood) or less obvious signs (like an unexpected meeting with your boss suddenly being put on your calendar or noticing that your partner is less talkative than usual). Because the nervous system is concerned with survival and attempting to escape threat, it has to communicate quickly and turn that information into action. We don’t have time to consider options when a car is driving towards us on the wrong side of the road, we have to act in order to protect ourselves.
This means that our nervous system and the behavior it produces is functioning below the level of consciousness. Often, instead of thinking carefully about how we want to respond to a situation our brain thinks is unsafe, we simply act. It's the same system that quickly yanks your hand away from the hot stove burner you didn’t mean to touch even if that means you throw what was in your hand across the room and knock over all of the dinner ingredients you prepared on the counter. In the instantaneous safety calculation our brain runs, it is better to avoid the hot thing (and protect our hand from being damaged) than it is to avoid making a mess. These safety calculations are, thankfully, usually fairly accurate. This is especially true when there is a clear, external, physical sense of danger (like a predator suddenly appearing next to you on a hiking path). Our nervous system is less accurate when the source of danger is emotional, socially mediated, or involves complicated trauma patterns. It may be difficult to identify why we feel bad around a certain co-worker or when our partner gets that look in their eyes. All we know is that we feel different in these situations than in our normal day-to-day life. Most people try to push through this feeling, dismissing it as unimportant, or unknowable.
I am going to suggest that this feeling is always pointing us to something important and that it can be used to help us navigate complex situations in ways that help us to feel safe and stay emotionally present.
2. Before: Check-in with your nervous system’s average level of physiological activation
Before we jump into situations which may be stressful, it is important to do some planning. Because our nervous system primarily functions below the level of our conscious awareness, if we do not do some preparation work to move parts of that unconscious process to our conscious awareness we run the risk of acting out of impulse and instinct. This may work out fine, it may not. But it will likely involve a high level of stress. When we are talking about stress in a more technical sense, we are talking about the physiological and emotional experience of tension or physiological activation that occurs when we are placed in a situation that is difficult or challenging.
Stress is not always bad. In fact, we need a certain level of stress to function well. The good kind of stress, called eustress, helps us to stay focused and utilize our resources when faced with a challenging situation. People report the experience of eustress as being basically a positive one that is closely associated with feelings of meaningfulness, purpose, and value. Since it is still stress, it is not necessarily comfortable but it ultimately feels worth it because it brings about a meaningful outcome. Athletes report this sort of experience during the big game, performers report this kind of thing during opening night, board games and video games can create these sorts of experiences, bodily sensations like being cold or hungry could also be classified in this way.
But too much stress, even good stress, or stress that is not directed at things that feel meaningful to us can impair our ability to function. This kind of stress, which we call distress in psychological research, is overwhelming and activates different physiological responses in our body than eustress. Eustress can make us feel focused, energized, creative, and present. It opens up possibilities and pushes us to think about new options. Distress can make us feel shut down, avoidant, like we are not present in our bodies, or aggressive. Distress triggers what is called the “fight or flight” response. Simply put, our nervous system takes over and we begin to function at the unconscious level of survival. Our options for behavior become limited to those which prioritize survival by removing the source of threat. Fighting is one option. We do whatever we need to do to scare the threat away: screaming, responding unkindly, using our body as a weapon, etc. Flight is another option. In this response category, we try to remove ourselves from the situation either physically (such as going for a walk when your parents are fighting) or cognitively (such as being physically present at dinner but not listening or participating in the conversation).
Two more response categories have been added in response to more recent research around distress responses: freeze and fawn. Freeze responses involve us stopping all behavior, essentially playing dead, and hoping that the source of stress will simply move on. These kinds of responses are effective when the source of stress is temporary – like someone yelling at you or being sick – but are less effective when the source of stress is chronic or longer-term – such as a chronic illness or systemic oppression. Lastly, fawning involves engaging in behavior which is likely to make the source of stress not hurt you. This is a complicated set of behavioral responses that rely on social skill and emotional intelligence to ingratiate oneself to the source of stress. Lying is an example of fawning because it allows the person to avoid someone’s angry/harmful reaction. Often, overachieving at work or school can be a form of fawning because it is intended to preemptively please the source of stress so that they will not engage in reactions that are harmful.
3. Before: Set a scale for your “golden window”
To use this information about stress effectively, we have to be able to apply it to our own experiences. Let’s try an activity to help connect this information to your own personal experiences of stress and physiological activation.
Can you think of what it feels like in your body when you are not stressed? This could be experiences that feel pleasurable (like taking a warm shower and feeling the warmth on your skin), experiences that are comforting (like wearing your favorite clothes) or rejuvenating (like tasting your favorite meal). You might use phrases like “my body feels loose”, “my brain can think at a smooth, even pace”, “my breathing and body movements are natural, balanced, unrushed”.
Can you think of what it feels like in your body when you are experiencing stress, but it is the good kind of stress? This could be experiences that feel exciting (like getting to go to a concert or a performance), playful (like beating a difficult level in a video game), or engaging (like having a deep discussion about a book you and your friend both like). You might use phrases like “there is tension in my shoulders or jaws and then it releases”, “I felt like I was holding my breath and then I could breathe normally again”, “I started to sweat and my face got red but it didn’t last very long and it felt like I could take a deeper breath and move more easily afterwards”.
Can you think of what it feels like in your body when you are experiencing distress? This could be experiences that feel scary (like having someone yell at you), experiences where you have been physically hurt (like being hit, kicked, or pushed), or experiences where you have been asked or forced to do something you don’t want to do (like having to go to school or work every day or engage with people who are mean to you). You might use phrases like “my body feels tight, coiled like a snake ready to strike”, “Suddenly my brain stops. I can’t think or locate how I feel. It’s just blank”, “I feel like I need to run away, like everything inside of me is screaming to get as far away as I can”.
These kinds of experiences are ways that our brain can interpret the communication we are getting from our nervous system. This scale of stress responses, called the “window of tolerance”, helps to make sense of where we are at in terms of the kind of stress we are experiencing and its intensity. When we are not experiencing stress or are experiencing low levels of stress, we are at the low end of our window of tolerance. Generally, people report this end of the window of tolerance as feeling restful, safe, and rejuvenating. It can, however, be too little stress. When people fall below the threshold of their window of tolerance, they often report feeling empty, bored, or directionless. They often don’t seem to have enough motivation or drive to accomplish anything. It can look very much like a freeze response.
When we are at the high end of our window of tolerance, near the upper threshold, we can feel productive, hopeful, and aligned with our purpose. Too much stress, however, can push us over our upper stress threshold and result in behavior that is more aligned with the fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses. People who are experiencing too much stress or stress that is too intense often report feeling frozen, overly aggressive, or like they are staying busy just to stay busy. When we exist outside of our window of tolerance for extended periods of time, people struggle to know who they are, they may experience symptoms of depression and anxiety, and they can have difficulty having meaningful experiences with others.
What kinds of things are stressful, which category of stress those things fall into, and how intensely they are experienced is based on individual factors like a person’s unique biochemistry, past experiences, and a person’s current environment. The interplay between a person’s immediate environment (current access to food, current physical health, sources of emotional support, etc.) and their larger sociocultural environment (experiences of minority stress/discrimination, generational trauma, socioeconomic status/class, etc.) create intersectional forces that can influence how stress is experienced and interpreted.
Thinking about your own experiences, how would you describe what it is like for you to be in your window of tolerance (not too little stress, not too much stress)?
How do you know when you are experiencing too much stress (distress)?
How do you know when you are experiencing too little stress?
4. Before: Practice 5 strategies for moving your level of physiological activation up
Now that we have a sense of what too much stress, too little stress, and a tolerable amount of stress feels like for you, we can practice moving from one area of your window of tolerance to another.
First, let’s think about ways of moving from experiencing too little stress to experiencing a tolerable amount of stress. This is primarily about finding levels of stress which are not too much but encourage activity and movement towards things that are meaningful for you. We are looking for things that add an amount of pressure or tension which feels exciting and like a fun challenge, not overwhelming or painful. Trying to find the perfect stressor is less important than finding a collection of stressors which are a good fit for you.
Some examples could include:
Hobbies
Creative activities
Meeting with friends or colleagues who share your same interests
Exploring new areas or new businesses
Adjusting some aspect of your physical environment to see how it feels/if you like it better
Learning a new skill or new information
Researching a preferred topic
Once you have a sense of the kinds of things that help you move from low levels of activation to tolerable levels of activation, you begin to develop a sense of the kinds of things that can help you to stay engaged and present.
Thinking about the holidays, it is possible that part of what is challenging about this experience is that it is boring or understimulating (moves you below the threshold of stress that you can tolerate). Consider including options for activities/ways of spending your time that help you to feel a tolerable amount of stress. Could you volunteer to help with cooking? Could you prepare preferred topics of conversation and create a game for yourself where you try to engage as many people as possible in conversation about your preferred topic? Could you bring games or activities you enjoy and teach other people how to play them? Could you play music you enjoy in the background? Could you bring a friend/partner(s) to the event so you have people you enjoy talking to? Could you enlist the help of family members to help you coordinate activities that are enjoyable for you?
5. Before: Practice 5 strategies for moving your level of physiological activation down
Experiencing too much stress that causes us to move outside of the upper threshold of our window of tolerance is a common worry around the holidays. Just as we did with too little stress, let’s consider ways that you may be able to move from experiencing too much stress to experiencing a tolerable amount of stress.
This generally requires re-establishing safety. Safety, in this context, means that the threat you perceive is either not actually a threat or does not need the level of response from you that your brain thinks it does.
Some examples of ways to re-establish safety could include:
Taking a break from the large event to walk around the block
Saying no to requests that you do not want to do or cannot do
Asking for help from other people to solve problems that occur
Having a way of changing the topic of conversation
Ensuring all of your physical, emotional, and psychological needs will be met (e.g. respect for personal choice; everyone present can tolerate harmless discomfort; reasonable access to food, water, sleep, medication; productive problem solving strategies are able to be used when necessary)
Clear expectations which are achievable and include reasonable flexibility
Practice taking deep, diaphragmatic breaths before acting
These strategies fall into two categories: proactive and reactive. Proactive strategies involve things that you can do beforehand that increase your felt sense of safety (like having clear expectations and knowing that you can resolve conflict in productive ways). Reactive strategies involve things that you can do in the moment that your stress level increases beyond the upper threshold of your window of tolerance (like being able to say no to a request that you do not want to do/cannot do, and being able to take a break from the large event to walk around the block). Try to include examples of each.
Another way of thinking about these kinds of strategies is considering requests you would like to make and boundaries you would like to set. Requests are things we ask other people to do for us (e.g. “If we are all going to eat dinner together, can we not bring up political topics?” or “I have other obligations on Friday, could we have the party on Saturday instead?”). Boundaries are ways we communicate to other people what we will do (e.g. “If we start talking about political topics at dinner, I will need to excuse myself for at least 20 minutes so I can regulate my nervous system” or “I will not be able to make it to the party if it is scheduled for Friday”). Requests and boundaries are ways that we communicate we want to stay connected to people and want to be able to be with people in ways that feel safe to us.
Some requests and boundaries are rigid, they involve things that are so important to us or have such an intense emotional charge around them we cannot be flexible or compromise without causing ourselves some kind of harm. This could include requests or boundaries around the use of preferred pronouns, having food options which adhere to dietary needs, or about who else is invited. Other requests and boundaries are less rigid and have more flexibility around them because they involve things that would be helpful or increase the sense of safety but are not strictly necessary. This could include requests or boundaries around when the party starts or how long someone is planning to stay, what activities are planned for the activity, or what dish each person is responsible for bringing.
6. During: Take breaks, lots of breaks
With a sense of your own window of tolerance and some strategies to help you regulate your stress response ready to go, it's time to practice. One of the more difficult parts of managing our stress responses is learning to become aware of our level of physiological activation as we go through our daily life. To develop this awareness, practice taking breaks with the stated intention of seeing where you are in terms of your stress response.
Consider using a number scale to track your stress level. For example, maybe you use a scale that goes from 1-10 where the ideal level of stress is a 5, too little stress might be less than a 3 and too much stress might be 7 or higher. Maybe you use colors or percentages. Whatever system you decide on, the important thing is to have a quick way of identifying where your stress level is at so that you can catch changes in your stress level and adjust before you become too dysregulated.
Taking at least 2 breaks every hour to check in with your stress level would be a pretty reasonable goal. You can practice this in your everyday life as well to help develop the skill for times where your stress level is more likely to fluctuate.
7. During: Have your strategies for moving your level of physiological activation easily accessible
Increase the likelihood of you being able to implement some of these strategies by having them easily accessible to you.
Some accessibility strategies to consider:
Write down stress regulation strategies (5 for moving up, 5 for moving down) in a note on your phone or on a piece of paper in your pocket
Share stress regulation strategies with other people who will be at the event with you and can help remind you.
Come up with an acronym or way to remember the ones you want to try that will be easier to remember (especially when your stress level increases and thinking becomes more difficult)
Develop a sequence or ritual that helps you chain multiple strategies together.
Pick a variety of strategies which can be implemented in different situations.
Pick strategies that you will actually do, already feel comfortable doing, or that match the environment you will be in
8. During: Practice at least 1 strategy within 10 minutes of arriving/starting the potentially stressful activity
Changing patterns is difficult. Our brains don’t like doing it and it takes extra resources for our brain to be willing to try something new. Signaling to yourself (and your brain) that you are intentionally going to try following a different pattern (intentional stress regulation vs unconscious, instinctive stress regulation) can help to set you on a different path. One way of signaling that we are going to try a new pattern is by intentionally engaging in the new pattern early. This challenges any sense of avoidance we may have and helps us to feel confident and capable.
9. After: Give yourself time to recover
After the stressful event, give yourself time to rest and recover. Having an activated nervous system is taxing on our body. It can take hours to days to feel like we are regulated and able to think clearly. Give yourself that time.
10. After: De-brief and Update your “before” plan
Once you have the opportunity to rest and recover, consider reviewing what happened during the stressful event. What worked well? What would you want to do differently next time? Take some of those insights and adjust your strategies so that you are able to do more of what works next time.
Hopefully some of these strategies help you survive this holiday season. Not everything will work for everyone, but there may be new options that are worth trying out.